Who usually dies first in the horror movie? You know who. Who usually goes to horror movies just to shout helpful advice at the screen? You know who. There's probably a reason for this. In a new podcast series Miles Kelly, Tawny Ochoa and Chris Paicely explore horror movies and try to come up with some rules for survival.
The first movie up for discussion: ANACONDA. It's got Jennifer Lopez. It's got Ice Cube. It's got Owen Wilson. It's got some big scary snakes. Most importantly, it's the darkest timeline version of Jon Voight. Let's talk about who survived and why!
Who usually dies first in the horror movie? You know who. Who usually goes to horror movies just to shout helpful advice at the screen? You know who. There's probably a reason for this. In a new podcast series Miles Kelly, Tawny Ochoa and Chris Paicely explore horror movies and try to come up with some rules for survival.
The first movie up for discussion: ANACONDA. It's got Jennifer Lopez. It's got Ice Cube. It's got Owen Wilson. It's got some big scary snakes. Most importantly, it's the darkest timeline version of Jon Voight. Let's talk about who survived and why!
That's the real plot twist of this movie is that Danny Trejo actually survived. He shot the gun scared the snak off and he just abandoned the oat and was like, Alright, I m done with this life. And then e like, you know, it's ambiguo s. He
Tawny:Time to open a taco re taurant
Chris:Hello, welcome to Survivors, Ed, how to not die first in a horror movie. I'm Chris.
Tawny:I'm Tawny,
Miles:I'm Miles
Chris:And we are two blacks in a Mexican here to talk about scary movies. So this series, coming off the heels of another series we do called your favorite movie is racist. Definitely check that out on Spotify on YouTube. And anywhere you can find podcasts. We decided we wanted to do a different type of show. We did a really fun kind of Halloween special, we talked about horror movies, and through this whole process has realized that all three of us deeply, deeply to a sickening, problematic extent probably enjoy horror movies. And so we feel like that is actually part of the culture, right? Like, we as people of color we as black and brown people. We like scary movies. I probably saw my first horror movie when I was way too young to see it. And I think that's probably true for both y'all too. And I think that's true for a lot of us. And so this series is really an opportunity for us to have some fun talk about, you know, the classic question we all ask, what would I do in that situation? Explorer, what is the journey of some of the people of color in these movies? How many of them actually do die first? How many make it to the end and really just in the end, come up with some rules about how to not die first in a horror movie. So without further ado, we are excited to talk about the first movie our pilot episode we are going to talk about a true cinematic work of genius Anaconda
Tawny:I will die on this hill.
Chris:So Anaconda came out in 1997 was directed by Luis Llosa yosa. And stars Jennifer Lopez Ice Cube. Jon Voight. Just a very interesting cast of characters who are trying to deal with the threat that we all worry about gigantic 40 foot snakes, as you do. The story of this movie is that a film crew is being tasked with going to do a documentary and they go to South America during this trip, they actually encounter 40 foot man eating snakes and a wild Jon Voight.
Tawny:Terrifying creature.
Chris:And so the story is essentially a story of survival. And a lot of ice cube non sequiturs. So I guess without you know, without saying any more than that, that's pretty much the plot of the movie, right? Did I miss anything?
Miles:That's basically it. And it ends abruptly after that
Tawny:complexity happening. There's not they're not tears of narrative. There's just like,
Chris:people, you got your snake. You got the end,
Tawny:Jon Voight and you got a Jon Voight in a category unto himself.
Chris:So let's just dive into it. What what what is the situation? When it comes to Anaconda? What What is the scenario we are dealing with here?
Tawny:Okay, so like, the thing that like, this movie came out in 1997. I looked it up because I was I could not remember the exact time of year. But it came out in April of 97, which would have been the spring semester of my high school senior year.
Miles:That's my birthday right there.
Tawny:But there's a movie.
Miles:Like on my birthday, like
Tawny:that's the cutest little miles. Yeah, I'm gonna see Anaconda. Um, no, but like, there's the very specific feeling that you have about life and the second semester of senior year of high school. And I think I must have approached this movie with that level of a plum. I think I remember, you know, and it was like Jayla was fresh off of Salinas. I'll talk about JLo cuz I'm Latina. And I guess, you know, why not? Um, but like she was fresh off of that she, she had been a fly girl. She looked like my people like she's like, I know she's not Mexican American, but like, close it down enough right to, for me to like, see in her something of myself in my community, and of course ice cubes just ready to explode at this point. Um, so I think those were the elements that like if I thought about, like, who went to go see the movie and what everybody talks about after it was like these two people, plus the giant snake. The classic creature feature of creature features are always fun I showed my son's this movie it's a PG 13 right? And they had to go in and like change some of the they had to dump in some of the stuff afterwards to get that pG 13 rating, but I feel like it's specifically designed because they knew kids like it. But yeah, like that's, it was just super fun and like this, you know, these people who sort of look like you, and especially when there's the line where Ice Cube tells JLo like, Oh, my homegirl from USC and I'm like, oh man, you know, like, if you're from here and you're Brown, like that just really resonated. So, so yeah, like that. And you know, it's just, it's ridiculousness, I love horror. I love big monsters. I don't like I'm not a huge slasher person. There's there's subsidiaries of horror that I don't love but, but I love a good monster movie for sure. And um, I guess that was kind of going on for me.
Miles:What What more is there to say like, this movie kicks off, like maybe five minutes into it with like, ice cubes and like today's a good day, like, I'm here. I'm here finish it like let's go. Like immediately like we in this so I'm like, I already already know we getting into now like it. I don't care what nobody say this movie is incredible. Like, I can watch. I can watch it on your watch. So in like 90 minutes, I think like, I think maybe it's 90 minutes. Like I don't even know how it might be shorter than that. At night
Chris:I want to say
Miles:by like movie like you watch it. So it just flies by like, This movie is incredible. Like it's hilarious for So first of all, ice cube is a one in this movie. Like he's, I mean, he's a bit besides Jon Voight. He's like the best part of this movie is.
Tawny:He's a guy. He's like, he's like us. Right? Like he's almost exactly right.
Miles:That's what makes it like that's what makes it even better is like the whole time like, yeah, that's what I would have said, right? He's like, he's he's playing like, everybody that's like black ever alive right now. Like, yeah, this is all the things that anybody in the barbershop would say like, Yeah, what he's, he's he's our voice like through this whole movie. And the fact that they make it out. He's one of the one of the three people that even make it out at the end like him and JLo make it out at the end like Yeah, let's go, man. This is a victory. This is a victory, right? Because I mean, most of the time, like we don't make it out of these movies, like at the end like so. Like the fact that they make it out in the end is incredible. And I mean, they love Oh my God. And 1997 to JLo Yes, like this is a win. This is a win win win movie right here, man, you got ice cube. super bad as JLo like Yeah, let's go man crazy as Jon Voight like hopping off a boat. unsolicited as hell like
Tawny:Thighs of steel. Yeah, can
Chris Paicely:Can you imagine? I mean, I'll get to my stuff. But can you imagine you're just on a boat and I do jumped onto your boat. And he's part of your life now. Like,
Miles:like, he didn't even really fully get permission to Nah, did he get permission to like board their ship? Because I felt like he was just like, Hey, your shows was
Chris:being being very nice to him. And like everybody else is like, really brought like this. Even Mateo was looking at him crazy, which is funny. It's like why, like, why would they even have that part? But anyway, so
Miles:I was looking crazy the whole time though. Yeah. Yeah.
Chris:Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So why is he like, I mean, maybe that was to throw us off or something. But it was just like, was he also looking like suspicious? Like you just threw me off? I
Miles:was like, yeah, Wait, are you with this dude, or Yes, like, Yeah, I know about him. And yeah, that's not gonna say say they though the part that they messed up. Though is like, I know me like I've had like people ask me for a ride and there's a very simple response that you get like, I go to the gas station all the time. And I have, like, old as people do trying to be like, Yo, man, my son, man, I'm sick. Like we meet, I just need a couple of hours to get to them down the street, like, Well, okay, whatever, fine. And then somebody comes out like, literally two weeks ago, like a dude came up. He was like, maybe in his 60s, the old dude came up and was like, Hey, man, young blood, man, you think you give me a ride down? Quick? Yo. I was like, Nah, I ain't going that way. And that line right there as a quick throw out. At any moment. If anybody asks you for anything. It's like, Nah, fam ain't going that way, like and the key to that line is I am going that way. I'm going the way that you go. But I'm about to drop your old so I don't even know you. Like, they could have avoided this whole thing by just being like, yo, nah, we ain't going that way, bro. like
Tawny:to say and like a roundabout academic way, like literally is like, we're not going that way.
Chris:We're actually going here, so just so you know, he's like, not as fine like, Man,
Miles:you gotta say that with the right tone. No, you can't come in like wit. I ain't going that way. Like, well, you know, we might double back and come around. You gotta come out the gate like Nah, man. You
Chris:know, it's like, he was the embodiment of well meaning white person. And like it. It showed up in that moment. So So for me, like what I really love is this. I told y'all in the in the proof text, like the snake on fire. It's just like, to me that encompasses this whole movie. There's a snake in water on fire. It's like ridiculous, but it looks epic and cool at the same time. It's like
Tawny:I just had just won through a pool of coconut oil or something. But no, I
Chris:know. It's just like that moment when it's a really like, if you were to take a screenshot I almost did have the scene where it's like right up on JLo, and it's a cool shot. It's, it's ridiculous. It makes no sense.
Tawny:isn't a reptile, right? Just dip in for a sec
Chris:Go where you
Miles:normally are. And you'd be fine. You know, what's funny, though, is that snakes specifically has like ADHD, like he literally like he'll, he was in the water, like trying to get ice cube and then like, the body of the other girl came up and then he got distracted by that. I was like, Okay, yeah. And then like later on, like, later on, he did the same thing where he was like, going after ice cube and JLo. And then john voids character is in there and he didn't randomly it's like, oh, yeah, let me let them go. Let me go. Let me go. for whatever reasons. Like Wait, well, you got a meal right here, bro. Like, got to
Tawny:question real quick. I know that. There's like there's two snakes, right? Like, there's the one that I'm like jello shoots the shit out of and then there's the one that dies later. Yeah, I think I read like I was reading the reviews or something. And there was some reference to like, one of them's the male. Like one of them was like a male. Drone sort of not drone was not the word but like, something like that. And then one of them's like the, the the the lady. The because in a sexy lady sexy Xenomorph snake lady. But yeah, and I was reading that. And anacondas. Sexual dimorphism is like huge. It's like this huge thing where the females are super gigantic compared to the males. which is which is interesting. And I think they tried to capture in the movie but I think like was the first snake that died the male and the second the female. Does that right? In any way relevant? Yeah.
Chris:I feel like if they're trying to communicate the female like if a female is a bigger one, the second snake was definitely meant to be like this thing to continue to think that like there's some epic kills in this movie. And we've written about a horror movie. Like Jonathan Hyde's death always stuck with me because it was just like so like him jumping out the waterfall and the snake literally just catching him with its face. Like it was just like, what I remember when I was I was I was pretty young. I remember how I mean I was 13 when it came out so like, I remember being like feeling so cool for getting to see this movie for the record. being like, you know, that's that oh moment when the snake Now, you know, obviously the CGI does not hold up. You know, but it's,
Tawny:you know, I'm gonna say that it never did though. Like, I almost feel like it was bad then too bad that like, there's never been any moment where like anyone looked at that and was like, that's not CGI. And I feel like if you're, like, if you're gonna throw see, like, and I think good directors know how to use CGI as sort of a like, let me just set a patch up this part that I couldn't do with practical effects
Chris:Jurassic Park, this was not
Tawny:Yes, yes. And so no, like and I so it doesn't bother me. Like I've learned to block the same way as an English teacher. I've learned to block out most misspellings and the wrong You know, it's it's an it's and they're there. And they're like, I don't even notice. Like, this, like the bad CGI does. It isn't an issue. Like it's just sort of part of the general like, we're talking about a giant snake. Yeah,
Miles:I felt like it actually even worth it. It didn't occur to me, like at the time when I saw when I was a kid because I was like, Yo, this is the coolest shit ever. And they and I feel like there's a good blend of practical and CGI in this movie though. Like, like some of that like that shot of the snake eating Jon Voight and it shows the inside of the snake like that's that's crazy. That's super crazy shot and like the what the part where? I mean it it throwing him up, like, does it look fake? But just the fact they did that? I was like, yo, yes.
Tawny:Yes. You know, it was it was just wait
Chris:afterwards.
Miles:Oh, man,
Tawny:and I didn't ever notice before but he does that earlier in the movie he winks at Yeah, who was it that he wouldn't get the other girl and I'm like, Oh, damn, foreshadowing.
Miles:Yeah, they keep Why do you keep calling her baby bird I thought that was so. Like he just a stat like he just out the gate establish that he was gonna like, give her a nickname that she didn't again, unsolicited. This dude just does shit. Like without permission like you just like, yeah, I'm gonna call her baby bird for whatever reason, like, and even if y'all don't let me you know, give me permission to hop on your ship. Like Come
Chris:on. Great villain. He's a great villain. Like he's like disgusting. You know?
Tawny:He's disgusting!
Chris:like, it's like he's he's just and I was saying that's why I was saying like, when we were talking earlier, I'm like, he looks like he's dressed very basic. Like
Tawny:like Gap like he's in Gap Basics
Chris:got he's got like the cargo pants on. Yeah, it's just the ponytail like and then he gets he starts kind of asserting his will and you're just like Yeah, he's bad guy. Like there's no high E that they don't hide that he's the movie doesn't hide that he's a bad guy. It's not like this whole thing like, a wonder if he's up to no good like now he's very clearly. Very clearly a problem immediately grows like, immediately the whole crew is like, Yo, this dude is somebody to watch. And it's fun. It makes the movie fun because you just watching this like, chaos ensue, right? Like Jon Voight enters the boat and antics ensue.
Tawny:Especially Ice Cube. JLo is skeptical, like, Eric Stoltz puts up with him. puts up with him for a time. And fucking Owen Wilson who's like the blonde this motherfucker in this crew is like, Yo, this guy right here. This is the guy after he killed the boar. Like this is the guy that I'm going to trust based on the fact that he killed the boar
Miles:the stuff that I was making him like be impressed by I was like, "wow, is that a gun? Oh, that's pretty cool." "Wow. Damn, that's pretty cool." "Is that dynamite? Damn, this guy's awesome." Like, wait, what? How? He jumped on our boat without permission.
Chris:regular stuff.
Miles:You ain't worried about none of this stuff. Like why he has any of this and Owen Wilson's like him handling dynamite is completely off because I don't listen. I don't know nothing about dynamite. I could be wrong. I'm pretty sure that shit shouldn't go under the water. That it shouldn't go on a water like...
Chris:the water apparently. So I think I think the thing about this movie is that the water is just a concept. Like, the clothes don't get wet. And get wet. Water is all in their minds, man. Cuz like,
Tawny:They're just gonna get in there. Like they're fuckin on Wilson dives in with unnecessary pieces of clothing. Like this man. This guy has like a shirt and shoes and socks and shorts. And he hasn't fucking like over shirt. He doesn't even take the over shirt off. He's like, I'm just gonna get in the water with all these clothes on.
Miles:Yeah, that was that was bothering Because specifically the ones seeing were like, huge jumps in the water like he's like the first one to jump in the water. I could tell that I was like clearly a snack guy cuz they wouldn't like show the front of his face. I was like, I feel you. But like...
Tawny:I wouldn't get the water either.
Miles:He jumped in the water, with the gray joint on with the grape like pro club t shirt on and then like, hopped back off the water. And then like the next scene, he was completely dry with the same like t shirt. And he had Chucks on the whole time. Like you could at least if not anything, take your shoes off. If you're gonna jump into water. Like one thing like you don't want to sweat feet, like you might it might be hot out there where your clothes will just dry because you guys out there and it's hot and wet as shoes bro, come on, man, cut it out, take like take the shoes off at least before you have to take the socks off whatever like and just hop in and hop back out. And yo that's the easy fix. Like they were
Tawny:I mean there's no reason for these people to not have like water clothes available to them that they're just wearing when you're on a boat. Yeah be jumping in and out of the water to make to make a film
Miles:like that. They would just dress for this. It's like gonna be on the water. Like, let me just wear some stuff like that. I'd like that don't care about water. But yeah, I don't even care about getting wet. Like let me just wear this.
Chris:Put on these fresh Chucks, hop on this boat. Nah. So okay, before we shift into our next section, we got to talk about Owen Wilson a little bit like so to me the the movie itself is obviously insane. But on Wilson's heel turn just completely threw me. And I don't know if I just didn't remember it from when I watched it as a kid or when I was younger. But I'm just like, wait, why is he now bad? Cuz he literally Jon Voight walks up to him starts muttering things at him. Yeah. And the next scene, john boy fires a gun and Ice Cube in the hood was like Yeah,
Miles:Yes, this is where I want to be. Like, and then he's like that they literally call him out on it to like, Dude, are you crazy? He's like, No, I'm actually completely lucid right now... like nah, I don't think so.
Chris:So help me understand then buddy. Cuz he says, he says"well, you know they're not out here. We can't find the people so why don't we just film this guy catching a giant snake?"
Tawny:And then team up with this fucking weird ass guy. Like the weirdest guy you've ever. There's no, these people have never met a weirder human being in their life.
Miles:Super facts. Super facts.
Tawny:like with this fucking weird like accent like what even is that? It's like Spanish. And like what I said earlier like Spanish and Don Corleone combined. And like, he's, he's on board like he's sold his soul to fucking Jon Voight because like, you know, he shot a monkey or like, who didn't know he shot a boar first.
Chris:It's, but then like when it's time for him to catch the snake. Nobody's filming. So like, everybody looks like they're under duress. They almost like they're under their their hostages to Owen Wilson because he's pacing around with that gun. But then it's like, dude, wait, what's your endgame here?
Tawny:Like, what are you getting your
Chris:own girl for basically your girlfriend is among the people that you have your holding... with a giant rifle in front of who's all we're all, you know, terrified of this situation. And you're not even doing the thing that that you say you're doing it for?
Miles:Like, let's just say that this works out. Let's say that Serrone catches the snake. And then y'all, y'all make it back. Y'all know nobody dies. They all make it back. Like really, really well. Because like you just held us all hostage. We were all under duress now. Because you feel that Yeah, we need what?
Tawny:Yeah, what what's Serrone gonna do with that fucking gigantic snake is my like, I was watching it. Okay, at first in my head. And this is like back when I was watching it with my sons. And like I told you guys, they were like, why does he want to catch the snake? And I was like, I don't fucking know. He says there's money in it. I don't know what that mean, who's gonna pay for this? I don't know. But in the back of my mind, there was still this sort of vague idea of like, Oh, he's gonna sell the carcass or something. But then I was reading an article that was like, if you really wanted to make money off of this species, he would have taken the babies because they grow really quickly, like within a couple of years or full size. And then it was just like, okay, he wants to capture the snake. He doesn't let JLo shoot it right. She's gonna shoot it and he's like, no You're gonna wrangle this creature you don't have no equipment you know where to put it? Like what are you gonna do? What's your plan?
Miles:Like a situation Did you guys see the Jurassic World like the Fallen Kingdom... it's like maybe it's like a situation where it's like a auction where he's got to have like the snake at the end and there's like a bunch of rich billionaires like buying like snakes or whatever for like half a million dollars or whatever the case or he said like millions or something like that I feel like he said he said that he could like you're
Tawny:gonna kill this animal like I can barely taking care of my fucking guinea pigs over here. And you're gonna wrangle this giant Anaconda that he eats like live food and he's like 40 feet long for the trick
Miles:and where were they gonna store this snake at like, because I had questions about where they were even sleeping at this whole time because like I don't even look like it's enough space in there for everybody to have their own quarters to like stay in it looks like it's one room that he was in the whole time and then the rest of it is just like the deck so I was like where are y'all even gonna put a snake at even on this ship in the first place? Yeah barely got places to even sleep. It was that bridge that they blew up all little smaller snakes were those smart like baby anacondas.
Tawny:They were supposed I think that was... Yeah, that was supposed to be
Miles:so so why you don't just take... you got all of these and we could turn around and go home you got like 30 of them like one of these there
Chris:There was like so many... there was an absurd amount of little snakes.
Miles:can actually contain and some type of thing that put them in a box because they smaller. You try and catch this bigger one and then Owen Wilson... again. I don't understand the motivation here because due to saying we could get millions for this snake, okay, cool. I understand that. You're talking about filming him? Which were you selling that shit like I don't even know what at least he got a gateway snake You don't even have like an idea like how you gonna sell like what are you selling this video
Tawny:Who are the distributors?
Miles:Like how you how we make money off it is? It's 1997, bro!
Tawny:there's a market for this?
Chris:What PowerPoint did Jon Voight sit and show you that we didn't see that guy you all the way on board like so on board
Tawny:that one night on the deck and he's like, he's like,"Hey, honey, I'll be down in a second." It's like you'd ever see what he tells him so maybe that was the fucking PowerPoint right there.
Chris:Your impression is like Vito Corleone meets Eric Cartman. And I think that's pretty perfect.
Miles:You know what I thought was super fly though, was like, I was like when Serrone... I thought was like the funniest shit ever was when like Mateo died. And then like, they get back to the boat. And then like JLo was like, like Serrone help him he was like, "Nah, maybe another time." Maybe some other day. When is the other time?
Chris:Poor Mateo.
Tawny:And this is actually a fairly well shot movie. But that fucking scene. Mateo's death scene is like the worst edited part of this movie. Like, if you like the way they show that like the the she's sort of see the snake sneaking up on them. And all of a sudden he's like, it's just it's so badly done.
Miles:I think that's one of the poorest stage kills in the movie because there's no suspense to it. He falls in the water. There's no build up to it. The snake just immediately comes out. Oh, wait, I don't remember that happening that quickly. It just comes out of nowhere. There's no time for you to like, be afraid of it. You know, he's about to die. But it just happened so quickly. There's no build up for that shit. So it's like damn, alright, well,
Chris:The tension in releases is not captured there. Well, okay, so in that in that sense, why don't we that that's a good way for us to segue into our second segment, which we have tentatively titled "You good, homie?" And basically this is a section where we check in on our people of color in the movie. How did our people call it doing this movie we had for for people of color in this movie. And uh...
Miles:One died immediately.
Chris:we should walk away we should walk through how they did because this this movie is actually a good example of both ends of the spectrum happening.
Tawny:True.
Chris:How did our Latino men doing this movie?
Miles:Out the gate they off Danny Trejo immediately.
Tawny:I'm sorry I don't know I can confirm this but that is not his voice.
Chris:Because he didn't sound like this?
Tawny:It doesn't sound like him. It does not
Miles:I don't even remember him saying nothing. I gotta go back now cuz I don't ever like recall him like even really saying anything.
Chris:I don't either.
Tawny:He doesn't really say much. He's talking to something he's trying to like reach someone on a radio and he's speaking his Spanish, but it doesn't sound anything like his voice. You know? Like, I'm not saying, Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I'm not saying that i like that i can tell like I can always tell the difference between someone who's faking an accent and who's not but it's just like, somebody made the decision for some reason. Like we can't let him actually do these lines. And I'm wondering what that reason was because it's not him like that is not his voice. He
Chris:Probably sounded too tough.
Tawny:He might have just sounded to Chicano like as opposed to like as opposed to Latin like somebody who's just... you know like I think maybe some of a little too much of the American was snuck in there.
Miles:You know what bothered me about that scene? The thing that bothered me about that scene is like he you know goes up to the thing or whatever to kill itself which is I mean if you know if you know these snakes pretty well and he does like man this is the only way out like that was actually a smart move like at that point I guess like nowhere to go I think that bought the shot like lingered on him still up there after the gunshot and I never saw the body fall into the water and I was like, happening right now.
Chris:I didn't even notice that.
Miles:He was hanging on to the pole... like shot in the head I guess... I don't know. Hey, wait, how is he still up there Like maybe he was strapped on i like with his belt and shit an then like shot itself and staye up there?
Chris:I do remember. See I didn't notice that but I did notice like I expected to see his body falling
Miles:His body never fell he just stayed up there he's like"yeah, I'm dead. But I'm still not getting down. You gonna have to come up here and get me" like so I guess
Tawny:they should have made it so that when they found that boat again what that was his boat right the one that they found maybe is decomposed skeleton or some shit
Miles:They show that they could have they make a they show like the top of the pole where he was at like they, they they make sure that they show like the trees are not there. So I guess eventually, he left or whatever or died and got eaten.
Chris:He died. Yeah. He said eventually he left.
Tawny:He went to the store.
Miles:I mean, he was hanging on for a while where he was just chilling up there. Like Like,
Chris:Like he did actually shoot himself. He just...
Miles:I never saw him fall. Maybe he just fired the gun. I ain't killing myself.
Chris:we never saw a body. He didn't shoot himself. He just shot into the air. And then he was like, Oh, the snake got scared and he just climbed back down.
Miles:That's the real plot twist to his movie is that Danny Trejo actually survived. He shot the gun skared the snake off and he just abandoned the bone and was like alright, I'm done with this life and then he like you know it's ambiguous he had a happy life.
Tawny:Time to go open a taco restaurant in Los Angeles.
Chris:Yeah, okay, so yeah not he didn't do so good. What about Mateo? the guy yeah,
Tawny:Mateo um Yeah, he you don't make it. I think less because he's a Latin man and more because he's just oily as fuck
Miles:super oily like Yeah, he's extra... Do you guys watch Family Guy or no?
Chris:little bit
Tawny:Oh yeah, a little bit yeah,
Miles:I don't know. Have you ever have you guys ever seen that episode where was like, like Peter went to like I think it was like a work picnic thing or something and they like they had a game like that was called like catch the it was something stupid like catch the oil up man or some shit like and it was just like a naked oily dude. And he was running around like, and they were trying to grab him and he was too slick. Like the whole time it's like maybe that was like a defense mechanism ladies never grabbed me. Ain't nobody gonna grab me up on here cuz I'm gonna slide right the hell out.
Chris:Ain't no snake catching me. I'mma slide right out. Slide out of this snake. Oh my god. So Matteo is to oil as Jermaine Jackson is to grease.
Tawny:What does Cube tell him? Stop playing?
Miles:That's his problem is he played to play him? He wasn't playing so much he wouldn't live live survive like play too much.
Tawny:Yeah, he doesn't do well.
Chris:Mateo was the best thing about him was hearing Ice Cube say his name and say things about him.
Tawny:Ice Cube who was just given free license to speak as he would throughout this whole movie.
Chris:And that was that was in so yeah, for the audience we... to give context to the stop playin' is... in the movie, when Mateo goes missing. Ice Cube goes looking for him and is shouting MATEO! MATEO! MATEO. Ay man stop playin'!
Miles:Like why would he be playin'? like yo he ain't been playin' at all this entire time.
Chris:he's been weirdly serious actually.
Miles:Extremely like smile hasn't cracked yet. Why would he be playing?
Chris:Other people have cracked jokes around him and he has been stone face so
Tawny:hostile like
Chris:he's not playing
Miles:If that was Owen Wilson's character I would be more inclined to think that he would be trying to play a joke like"I'm here. You guys thought I was dead" or whatever the case is but like Mateo is pretty pretty he's. There's two facts about Mateo. Number one. He's serious. You don't play and number two... he greasy as hell. He's oiled up like a motherfucker. He's ready for you to not catch his ass.
Tawny:That's how you beat the snakes. and the mosquitos.
Miles:You know what? He was actually prepped to live. He don't play around. He ain't got time to play games, and he's oiled up as hell so you can't grab his ass
Tawny:He just got really unlucky
Miles:He had the right mindset he just I don't know when he was doing lingering and you know on the boat like or whatever but also why was Ice Cube filming that shit? Like they they were like hey, there's an empty boat over there. Let's go see if there's like because we don't have any more gas. He was like I'm gonna go get this on camera y'all like... Why? Why are we filming that? That's not part of our story.
Chris:They filmed all the wrong stuff.
Miles:This is a terrible documentary like now I'm starting to question like the ability to make like documentaries because like they then they showed him like filming it. That's the only thing that they really even showed. Well, not they showed him filming Westridge, like talking. And then like, Serrone, like looks like Serrone jumped in at whatever you know, "I know what I'm talking about. Alright cool. Yall don't wanna got that way."
Tawny:"I know what I know!"
Chris:Man. Okay, so so Mateo and Danny Trejo.
Tawny:Did not farewell
Chris:They went down. So we got all my other two people of color the movie are Danny played by Ice Cube. And what's Jennifer Lopez's character name?
Tawny:Terri.
Chris:Terri. Yes, Terry. So Terri Terri Flores, who originally was going to be like Terry Smith or something. played by...
Tawny:Gillian Anderson auditioned.
Miles:Oh, damn, I can't even picture that. I used to like X-Files.
Chris:yeah, Gillian Anderson. But anyway, oh, Terri Flores played...
Miles:Not because Gillian Anderson... just because I can't picture... the lack of JLo doesn't work.
Tawny:hard to imagine the movie without JLo, like, it's hard. Like there's something very specific that she brought and I think it speaks to like the fact that we can't point it like point to it speaks to her appeal. Just as a performer like she's, there's something about her and she makes it and it's like,
Chris:she felt natural as the character.
Tawny:She's She's actually she's very talented. Like she's a talented actress. She the reason I mean I think people don't like acknowledge that is like she hasn't had these super great, like Oscar worthy roles. But that lady can act. Like she's super. She's super count. And she's she's got good comedic sense, too. Like she has she has that timing down. You know,
Chris:she's, she's good in this Ice Cube is Ice Cube in this. Just so how did they do? Well, they lived they survived. And I guess I feel like a lot of that had to do with how they were kind of existing in this crazy universe as essentially the most. Actually the most lucid people they're kind of in kind of navigating this in a more realistic way. Now, there were some ridiculous things happening even with them. But within the context of the film, they were operating from a place of logic where most of the other characters were cartoonish. Like Jonathan Hyde was a cartoon character. The the white girl was was the Hell yeah.
Tawny:Obligatory ho.
Chris:Exactly. Which was weird because they are Owen Wilson is the one who's like this place makes me horny. And then she's all like,
Miles:like, ugh... stop it Owen, or whatever the fuck his name is. Like, okay. Just say you like her.
Chris:see, she's doing that. Next scene she's doing that white girl dance. You know, where she's all
Tawny:to reggae.
Chris:Like, here we go.
Tawny:The silhouette. Yeah.
Chris:And then when they die, right like These are all characters who are super over the top and then you randomly have a very Ice Cube... Ice Cube who's just constantly throughout the movie like voicing over things for us.
Miles:The Dart is my favorite ice cube Why don't we need to stay in there? It's a dark, like the dark goes in and then he got woozy, which means the dark worked for whatever was in there. I don't think it needed to stay in there to continuously flow the body like the dark is not an IV like it's a dark light. It's just going to go It was funny as though
Chris:with but within the logic of the movie, his character was correct in in that being a bad thing, you know, in real life that does it that actually doesn't matter. He would have done logic of the movie. Yeah,
Miles:he was. He was unconscious underwater. You deer dead. Like you you're dead. unconscious underwater, like you're dead. Like what are you talking about? When he's talking about the wasp too? Oh damn... what did he say?
Chris:What's that? Ugh!
Tawny:The most natural reaction
Miles:iThat's like the blackest response.. course that's what you say. Somethings nasty you say
Chris:perfect like that. That's just yeah, that's legit. Like
Tawny:he's like he's an audience. I want to see this before we move on from Jayla, though is like the tip like, there's Oh, she's the like the quote unquote final girl You know, like in that sort of like horror movie construct but she's, and she's just like, sexy as hell. Like, super actual, like not movie makeup clip but just like sexy. And she's not like they don't turn her into this, like sex pot. You know? And I think you know, one of you pointed out that like, the other girl sort of takes the place of that but like she gets to be she gets to be like this. Like tough like smart chick. Like who does turn to her feminine wiles to seduce Jon Voight Allah Jasmine seducing Jafar, as I was watching, I was watching I was like, why am I so uncomfortable? Why is this so?
Miles:Nice character so yesterday, like, like, it's like, oh my God, please don't do this to yourself. Like just just let him get this. Right. Oh, let him catch this nice.
Tawny:Okay, if everyone dies, just don't touch it.
Miles:You know what, like, like no for her and like, cute, like the entire movie. Or at least from the point where like, like, sarong like takes over. Like, they're the only two that are like capable that are like, Alright, we got to get this dude out of here and they're plotting to get him out of there and then they take measures to get him out of there like Alright, I'm gonna trigger you come in through the door we go and get his ass and then that's gonna be it and then they try it again with the when they go well now when they go off when the dark goes in his bag, that's when they shot coconspirator that's when they try to
Tawny:they work together and there's that scene where he's like, he he gets a little lame knife out and he's all like, like, should I do and she's like, no, but it's like the whole time they're together. Yeah,
Chris:yeah, you know, they're talking to each other they're listening to each other they're trusting each other
Tawny:more than any other two characters and
Miles:even in that last shot when they're when the snake is somehow climbing up that smokestack or whatever the hell that is and I don't know what all the tools and shit that ice cubes you Oh, he just kept getting stuck he's like oh wait hold on. Wait a minute I gotta
Tawny:pick it
Miles:fit perfectly around the body of the snake like the little Ring. Ring clamp on the axe
Chris:Hey, he was Johnny he was a he was a a one targeting with that a pic Oh
Miles:yeah. like Wow, he was on the ground when they were on the ground after like the snake came down and sarong was in there he like used his feet while he was still tied up to pull the
Chris:Hey yo ice cubes actually a male in
Miles:his contract he's gonna make me be weak so in this movie like I got my hands was Sironi he got some some shots in when he was on the boat so
Chris:now it's it's very he's very much the precursor to a cool j in deep blue sea and Busta Rhymes and Halloween h2o. Yeah, I'm a being a movie bro. I'm a beat up the bad guy punch him or something.
Miles:and he called the snake a bitch at the end too. Yeah.
Chris:That was Yeah. Like that that was so required, like in the moment is like he's definitely if I hadn't seen that movie I knew that line was coming because it's like you can't do what he just did and be ice cube and not say that maybe
Miles:that answers the question of that last snake was the female
Tawny:I think it was absolutely
Chris:there it is there. Absolutely. So so in that in that sense, what can we decide? or what have we decided is sort of the rule we've learned in terms of how to not die first in Anaconda homeys help homies man
Miles:I gotta gotta stick stick together man like that's the only reason why like I think Tony you pointed it out like everybody that was like or when he appointed everybody that was like on their own individually ended up dying like people of color like that like went off on their own climbed up a pole on their own. Like they're playing around whatever Mateo is doing on even
Chris:the non people of color you know, when you when you broke from the group and did something stupid. Like you had Owen Wilson broke from the group died, white lady decided apropos of nothing to go out there and try to kill Jon Voight got five meat around her head and died. Jonathan Hyde unfortunately like was was actually becoming down with the group but he kind of stuck alone found himself alone died,
Tawny:but the two characters who are completely loyal to each other from the beginning, any I mean, Eric Stoltz is sort of I think one of you joke like he had no business surviving it's like he's sort of mixed in there. Is this like the beneficence white you know, the beneficence ginger, but like, the characters that are actually like you see their relationship and they're loyal to each other the most are fucking jello and ice cubes, and they like consult with each other they're on the same team, they have a common goal and they make it
Chris:Eric Stoltz is like the magical Negro
Miles:magical white guy, cuz
Tawny:that's so good.
Chris:Man. He imparts like little wisdom about the area. He gets removed from the story violently like, pops up here and there to do stuff and then disappears again goes back then he comes back up in to tell us the moral of the story.
Miles:You know what I like? to like to surround Sharon was like, he's like, talking about snakes. He was like, Yeah, well, I hunt down tribes for a living so I know that as well. Like,
Tawny:but then at the end, oh, he was right.
Miles:Why? Why was he right? I wouldn't even admit that. I'd be like, Man, fuck that dude. Man. I wouldn't even say
Tawny:no one will ever know if I don't say
Chris:it would have been funny if the boat was just awkwardly quiet when they came up with the driver just looked at each other. The video got the little pictures. I think it's funny because like, little pictures, gets a little pictures. But like, that was the other thing that was fine. Okay, so you know, the movie that's kind of like the ending is so weird because you kind of forget that that's why they're out there. And then they see the trailer so like they make it seem like they've reached this you know this Mecca in terms of Oh, this is why we're here. And like it's like nobody cares about that too. It actually makes the movie hold up less because like I came out here to film these people
Tawny:do not want to be bothered yeah
Chris:then the end end
Tawny:that's why I was texting you guys like this Sherif Sharma people are like can you guys please just go now like are not interested in this at all?
Chris:Yeah, get up out of here. Please
Tawny:get out. We don't want your fucking viruses.
Miles:I feel like that this movie should have been like maybe five or 10 minutes longer where they find the the shimmy Shama and then like, okay, it actually means something other than like, he was right. And then the music comes in and like whatever. Yeah, like something else needs to happen. Like, after that point. It's just so random that it just ends right there at that point, and then the credits start rolling. Like Wait, what, like, that's it. You can barely see him on the trees and shit. Like I didn't even see him. Really. I don't know. open like that.
Chris:Right?
Tawny:Because they don't want to be seen
Chris:yes weird. It's like
Miles:13 I saw some titties in here man. I was like, Man is this this is pG 13 Oh
Tawny:but their national geographic Yeah, that's me though. Yeah,
Chris:there was like a weird that's that's a whole we could have a whole conversation about like the the basis for which like, Oh, these are human people that were showing naked but because we're studying them
Miles:that is okay
Chris:it sounds weird but anyway yeah now so the ending is very abrupt but our people two of our people made it through because they were they black and brown unity solidarity connection trust icecube very helpfully letting her ASK YOU VERY helpfully letting Terry know like Hey, he's coming after you You better run
Miles:Yeah, like we've been running from the snake like this whole time like
Chris:and to be fair to distribute the moment the brainfart moments between the both characters like him having to tell her to try other parts of the door was trying to hinge
Miles:she was hitting the whole time was the part that she ended up hitting the open it eventually anyway, he was like, try around the edges. Like, why you ain't just trying to hit it up anyway. Right? Right.
Chris:Exactly. You should be like you should be wiling out on that door like so there's that but but that that connection point him coming in, you know, her rescuing him, him rescuing her or him having
Tawny:to listen to each other and they're like, there's no point at which you get any sort of sense that one of them is subordinate to the other. And even though Eric Stoltz is like that hoity toity academic, I would argue that his character is in there too, like he like they're all like there's sort of an equal acknowledgement of like, we are all equally capable people. And I think that's part of why they all survive, even though Eric Stoltz is kind of a cheap shot. And I think he mostly survives because he's Jayla, his love interest
Chris:is a good dude. Like, everyone else in the movie is not really that good. Like, Jonathan Hyde is probably the closest in that term that he has a little bit of an arc. But he's such a like, such cannon fodder that it was like, Yeah, he's gonna die. They're just making us like him a little bit now because he's gonna
Miles:like everybody's role that was like a part of this crew. Like, I don't even understand like their responsibilities in terms of like, what they were supposed to do like with this documentary. Like, I get ice cube his he's clearly defined. He's the cameraman, Eric Stoltz. I feel like he's clearly defined. He's knowledgeable about, you know, the location of Yeah, JLo like, seems like she's like a looser type of like, wish
Tawny:She's the director and then what's your face? Is the like production? Yeah. Um, there's a scene where it's, it's a it's I think it's when they go Yeah, when they go to explore the boat. Like the Danny Trejo was on an ice cube when he was like, I'm gonna film this or whatever. And then like, you see the little short exchange in the background between Owen Wilson and the chick. And she's like, like, do we need sound and he's like, No, no, no, no, like he's like, I'm not going over there. Like there's you know, he's the sound guy she's like the production she's a producer JLo sound guy who left all
Chris:his gear in the woods before you decided he was gonna film a snake in captured for the record your stuff is in the woods somewhere dude like what
Tawny:fucking not even the woods the jungle wetter
Chris:the jungle right
Miles:and like yeah Jonathan heights like the like the David Attenborough he's like the hosts guy to beat Oh Mad Mad call it people people of color like survive because the shit we Shama was out there fine, like at the end like the snakes ain't bothering. They live out here in the snakes problem. So it's like, yeah, you're doing like they're all
Chris:good. They did good. They were together unity again.
Miles:I mean, they build statues, they built that wall. You know, and those total of like the snake it's like, yo, they are fine.
Tawny:Like, please stay away. Please stay away from here.
Chris:This thing's there for a reason. Oh, just blow the bloody That's man. All right, well, I feel like we I feel like we did go with this. I mean, the, you know, nailed down a rule, black and brown unity I think that's a good rule for life for the record, not just for movies, but particularly was helpful in this horror movie to have some solidarity between our people of color and to have some trust in unity between our three survivors, you know, at at all. So that's it that this is survivors, Ed with two black to the Mexican. This is our new series that we're doing. We're gonna have a lot of fun with this. We're gonna talk about a lot of horror movies, some of which are people do very well in some of which they do not. In fact, as people know, most horror movies are people don't do very well. And part of the reason we started with Anaconda, we had a lot of fun doing this show. It's one of our favorite things to talk about horror movies. And so now we get to do it in our own little series. This is survivors, ed. How to not die first in a horror movie. If you'd like to share this show with your friends, please do. We're on Spotify, Stitcher, Apple podcasts, YouTube. If you're on YouTube, please leave a comment. If you're on Apple podcasts, please leave a review. Do whatever you can to just draw attention to this conversation because I think it's worth having and a lot of fun. Alright, so we cannot wait to come back with another incredible horror movie or terrible horror movie, whichever it is, and talk about what are other rules to survive. We'll see you next time.